Growing Smaller.

Here are excerpts from a post that I started on 6/12/11 and never finished:

I got off of my antidepressant drugs back in February.  It was honestly a miracle.  For 3 years, I was completely dependent on them, and I'll try not to elaborate for now.  It happened during the snowstorm.  Snow fell from the sky in giant white drifts, covering everything as far as the eye could see.  We were completely snowed in for almost a week.  No work, no mail, no trips the the grocery store, or Target, or anywhere.  No worries, no pressure to create, or be great at anything.  Neighbors who had not seen one another for months were playing in the street and having impromptu lunches of chili and cornbread.. and sharing their milk with one another!  I spent a good part of the week doing this:

Yes, that is me sliding down the front yard in my North Face Parka to make me slick.  I slid at night, I slid during the day, I slid in my nightgown, I slid with the kids.. on outdoor chair cushions, on cardboard box lids, on tough rubber intertubes.. Ask my neighbors.  I slid, and i screamed with delight and joy.. and I forgot to take my medicine for 5 straight days.  It was initiated by Him, totally a miracle.. I cannot take credit.  I cannot give advice on how to wean off of drugs of any kind.  All I can say is that I'm just really, really thankful.

There have been lots of benefits.  For starters, I can feel again.. AND cry again - tears of pain, of sadness, and of Joy.  For three years, I could not cry if I tried to.  And that included the time of my sisters accident and death.  Now tears flow all the time, and at the strangest times. Tears that are healing, tears that are initiated by Jesus, and flow for a purpose.  That purpose sometimes unknown. 

But lately I have been feeling some of my same symptoms again.  Worry.  Fear.  Anxiety.  Insecurity.  Self loathing thoughts.  Inadequacy.  Yes.  Me.  Sinking. Sinking. Sinking.

For the last several weeks I have analyzed, and I have analyzed some more.  I have reflected inward at the awful reality of my human-ness. And finally, I heard the voice of the One *who loves me so dearly* say.. "You took your eyes off."  Just like Peter and the boat.  I was looking around me at things I could not control.  I was having fears about my abilities, about the future, fears of failing.

The Lord gave me a glimpse of how He saw me from His ever wise, heavenly, eternal perspective.  As long as my eyes are on Jesus and I am walking toward him like Peter on the water, keeping focused on the goal which is Christ, and His sufficient grace in all things I am called to do, then even if all is not right with the world around me, I am grounded with a heavenly confidence that cannot be shaken, and I am able to soar far above the circumstances around me.  

This was a very profound revelation for me.  Then the Lord took me even one step further.  He led me to face the possibility of all of those fears coming true.  And I did.  And you know what?  I thought about what would happen if all of those things happened.  *What If* my abilities ceased, *What If* the provision ran out, *What If* we failed?  Then He showed me that my false sense of control had me thinking that all of that was dependent on me.. but in truth I AM NOTHING without Him.  HE is my provision.  HE is the source of my creativity.  HE is our success.  In HIM all things hold together.  Without Him, they do not.  And as long as we are walking toward Him, if all things earthly and circumstantial fall apart, We will still be ok.  We can rejoice in our low position because ultimately we are fully dependent on Him at all times.  

Psalm 121

A song of ascents. ¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

   where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the LORD,

   the Maker of heaven and earth.

 ³ He will not let your foot slip—

   he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel

   will neither slumber nor sleep.

 ⁵ The LORD watches over you—

   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,

   nor the moon by night.

 ⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—

   he will watch over your life;

⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going

   both now and forevermore.

Dear friend, what present circumstances are you in. Lift up your eyes to Jesus, the AUTHOR and FINISHER of our faith.  Ask Him to give you His perspective.  Chew on that which is living and active and sharper than any double edged sword.. Him who is sufficient and able to reconcile all things in His glorious cross.

UPDATE: 1/28/12:

 I have much to share these days, but this post was waiting as a draft and I could not move forward without sharing this. It was such a pertinent revelation that has brought me one step further in experiencing the true freedom that only comes from hiding in Him.. I feel this is something that many of us struggle with from day to day.  In fact, I often need to be reminded *every hour* of my complete and total need for Him.  In fact, when we set our eyes on Him, our present circumstances become quite SMALL in the light of His eternal perspective. 

Wherever you are today, allow yourself to become SMALL as you hide in Him.

Be Blessed today sweet friends.